As my eldest daughter’s first tooth fell out over the weekend it dawned on me, how the heck do I do the tooth fairy? So off I went to my trusted friend Google seeking some prompt advice and voila, just like the magical being she is, the tooth fairy came, went and succeeded. *mum fist pump*
It was then I realised how embarrassing it would be to have someone look at my internet search history. Not because of anything untoward but because of the weird, out there and sometimes just ridiculously gross topics I have searched for since becoming a parent.
So, like the ever-reliable game of Family Feud, I surveyed one hundred parents and here are the top responses. And it turns out I am definitely not alone. Here are some of the best:
1. General anatomy and bodily function searches.
Being a first time mum of a baby can come with many WTF moments. There’s also a sense of complete wonderment and awe that these cute little beings are capable of such smelly, sticky, vomit including functions. So, a common question I have found across the board revolves around poo.
Common poo questions include:
What does a normal poo look like? Or questions of a similar number two nature such as, what colour/consistency/how often should my child poo?
As well as the constipation question we’ve all faced – how do I get my child to do a poo?
Other bodily function questions that made the top ten included – how do I cut a baby/ infant’s fingernails without chopping their finger off?
How do I get snot out of my baby’s nose? Or its variation, is a snot sucker safe and where can I buy one?
Other anatomy queries that popped up from my mum friends who have boys centre around boy bits, including why does my baby boy have an erection? Or how the f*** do I wash a penis?
2. Housekeeping searches.
The next category of results come under the general housekeeping umbrella because we all know that children, bless their cotton socks, are really bloody dirty.
With that in mind, the survey shows at number one – how do I get texta/paint/grass stains/food stains/poo/vomit/blood/anything out of… well really anything and everything.
As well as attempting to get random stains out of any possible material known to mankind queries, there are often questions that fall into the cooking sub category. These include, how do I get my child to eat vegetables? This may also be typed into Google as – how do I hide vegetables in my child’s food?
3. Behaviour, values and judgement searches.
Probably one of my personally most searched categories is that of child behaviour because 90 per cent of my time since becoming a mother has been spent just wondering are these children actually mine? What have I done wrong? Kidding… I only do it 89 per cent of the time.
Within this category come the – why does my child eat dirt/sand/bugs/poo/crayons? Along with, will my children die if they eat dirt/sand/bugs/poo/crayons? And usually followed by, how do I get my child to stop eating dirt/sand/bugs/poo/crayons?
Sometimes questions will move into the judgement of others category. This includes, is it morally right to use a child leash? Or more accurately, will I be judged for using a child leash?
And sometimes when things get really bad the question of that springs to mind is, can I pretend my child isn’t mine?
Other questions that peter on the moral tightrope include, what happens if I drop my baby/ hit their head on a hard surface (accidentally of course)? Or (not followed after the previous question) is my child normal?
4. Kids’ pop culture searches (AKA who are these people/characters and should they be entertaining my children)?
The area of child television shows, characters and music which is definitely its own microcosm, has been a regular result on the board of popular answers.
For me, this has included – who is the pink pony from My Little Pony? Which pup is which in Paw Patrol? Who is the girl with the huge bow in her hair and why does every girl like her? Or whatever other character is who from the favourite show of the week.
Then there is one I am sure would come in at number one on most Family Feud boards across the nation – what is that crazy show on ABC Kids with the random blue character and girl that looks like she has small cut off pool noodles coming from her head (real names – Makka Pakka and Igglepiggle)? And were these show creators inhibited by illegal substances when they came up with it?
Finally, although in our household this has mostly passed, is how do I get The Wiggles songs out of my head? Because we all know there are times where our children are no longer in our company and we find ourselves humming Big Red Car or Hot Potato.
For the last six years my Google searches may have lacked intellectual, thought provoking and big picture questions but the survey says, they have totally saved my sanity.
What is the strangest thing you have Googled since becoming a parent? Tell us in the comments section below.